Jared Fogle ($5 FOOT LONGS)

The ex-Subway spokesman/success story still has 15 years and 5 months until he's a free man, yet he is back in the news today. Seems as though his magical Subway ride has officially come to an end.....he's back gaining weight! This is exciting, I wonder if his inability to get $5 Foot Long's (insert wiener jokes here) is to blame?

In my opinion, Subway has always been and will always be garbage. Their "Foot Long" subs are a few grains short and they do not put any damn meat in their sandwiches. When I order a steak and cheese sub, theirs a reason the words steak and cheese are in front of sub. I'm not going to Subway for the f*&#$ing bread! I want more steak, less bread, always. 

Back to Jared, it's reported that he's gained 30 pounds. He has not been in prison that long so at this rate he will have gained all 900 pounds that he lost while eating Subway back in a few more months, which is impressive!

One thing I am positive Jared is not gaining in prison is friends. No way in hell anyone in prison wants anything to do with a molester of any sort. Jared is getting his ass beat (in more ways than one) on the inside, all while missing those shitty subs he lost weight on. 

Maybe he realized how shitty Subway is when he was the spokesman, got depressed, and made some bad decisions.....nah, he's a loser. No excuses.