Rat Race is a great movie, all time classic even. Why? Because of the race! Its a race! There is nothing better than a group of people doing crazy shit all for some dollar bills. When its 2 million dollar bills, it becomes all the more interesting.
Now, picture that 2 million dollars as the ultimate freedom that all of the contestants in the movie believe it is. You know what's even better than millions of dollars? Being the leader of the free world. Yes, in this blog, our contestants will not be after monetary value, as they are already filthy rich. Instead, these five brave and completely untrustworthy souls seek that nice chair in the Oval Office.
Contestant #1. Bernie Sanders aka John Cleese
In the film, (which by the way if you have not seen, stop reading this and go watch it) Cleese played Donald Sinclair, the billionaire who puts up the prize money and then lays in waiting as the contestants kill one another off to reach it. Along the way, Sinclair places wagers on which contestants will do what and is a skeevy guy behind the scenes. Sinclair has met his match in Sanders, a man who is running for president despite never working a real job in his life.
PS. If you have never seen Cleese's Silly Walk app, click here. You're welcome.
Contestant #2. Hillary Clinton aka Amy Smart
Amy smart where have you been? In Rat Race, Smart played Tracy Faucet, a blonde temptress who was silly enough to think she had a shot at the 2 million dollar prize. (Sound familiar Hillary?) Smart had some clout for being a woman and for being pretty, but that's all the respect she could garner, and ultimately, flamed out. Faucet does end up with a new boyfriend after being caught up in some what of a cheating scandal (cough) Lewinsky (cough).
Contestant #3. Donald Trump aka Jon Lovitz
I'm sure you're saying "wow this guy sucks at cropping photos." Believe it or not that gaping white space in between these two men is because there is no human being on this planet who can be equated to The Donald, I had to choose someone for the purpose of this article, and Lovitz is the closest.
Now, in Rat Race Lovitz played Randy Pear, a family man wanna be who is struggling with his kids and ape of a wife. Lovitz has Trump hair and has a thing for the younger ladies both in the movies and in real life too. In Rat race, Pear plays dirty, is a terrible liar and has a tendency to slither out of any situation he finds himself in. Sounds like the Donald to me.
Contestant #4. John Kasich aka Breckin Meyer
In Rat Race, Meyer played Nick Schaffer, an amateur businessman with a disgusting sense of entitlement. Schaffer is gullible, falls for Faucet's sex tricks and is a horrible decision maker. After "wooing" Faucet and taking advantage of her ability to fly a helicopter, Schaffer is seemingly guaranteed to take home the grand prize, that is until he realizes how crazy and relentless Faucet is towards her ex. Schaffer never truly had the chance to win the bounty and Kasich, well, his smile and charm have failed to get him solid footing in the election.
Contestant #5. Ted Cruz aka Vince Vieluf
Saved these 2 weirdos for last. Vieluf played Blaine Cody, a newly tongue-ringed psycho who loses his cool early on in the race. Partnering up with Seth Green's character (Duane Cody), Vieluf is not afraid to pull any stunts necessary for the money. Unfortunately, his lunacy is a big reason why the prize eludes him. Cruz has quite the ring to his voice, a lot like Cody, who was choking over his stupid ass tongue ring during the most crucial moments of the film.
We all know how Rat Race ended, nobody winning the 2 million dollars and Donald Sinclair donating hundreds of millions to charity. Maybe the 2016 Presidential Election will end in the same fashion? Maybe the contestants I've listed above will all fail to reach their ultimate goal all while being completely oblivious about the amount of entertainment they provided us with along the way.